I Am

For whatever reason, I am having a hard time finding hope lately.  Yesterday morning I was very discouraged about my situation and there seemed to be nothing that could lift my spirits.  I was on the phone with my girlfriend and right before she began to pray for me, I glanced out at the traffic I was stuck in.  There was a dirty dump truck a car or two ahead of me.  You know when a car gets really dirty, someone will write "wash me" or something, this specific dump truck, I believe, was delivering a message to me from God.  In the dirt of its tailgate were the words, "I Am."

It was an eerie feeling actually, having God give me such a visible message.  It was almost too much for me to comprehend.  My boss already knew I was running late, and due to the particularly despondent mood I was in, I decided to follow the truck for a while (about fifteen minutes).  When my spirit was a little more intact from starring at the words "I Am" on the back on the dump truck, I figured it was time to get to work.  Coincidently, the truck veered off onto the highway at the exact same moment.  

I'm not out of the woods yet.  I still have serious needs to be met, but my inner spirit is stronger because I believe God cares for me.  Romans 5 says, "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."  

I've heard that passage so many times that it almost lost its meaning.  Thankfully, I feel as if there is a scriptural revival in my head, where these amazing passages are being interpreted afresh.  They are life giving, like this one I read in 1 Peter today, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you (5: 6+7)."

Noah, Daniel, Job + Us

I usually only post on Tuesdays, but I came across this scripture and didn't want to forget it.  It refers to the question, "Is God going to withhold a blessing due to a specific sin I just committed?"  I have heard many of my friends and peers raise this question.  I myself have often pondered it, and the usual consensus has been, "Yes.  Now God will not give you something He had intended."

I'm not so sure about that answer anymore.  With all respect and authority to God, I may have stumbled on a Word from Ezekiel that conveys another point of view.  It is Ezekiel 14: 13-20 which says:

"Son of man, if a country sins against me by being unfaithful and I stretch out my hand against it to cut off its food supply and send famine upon it and kill its men and their animals, even if these three men--Noah, Daniel and Job--were in it, they could save only themselves by their righteousness, declares the Sovereign LORD." (Ezekiel 14: 13+14)

In the day of Ezekiel, righteousness was achieved through observance of the law.  God sent prophets to guide and teach the people and when they strayed, He sent His wrath in order to correct and bring change.  I and many Christ-followers are stuck in this mindset, but I don't believe it has Biblical merit after what Christ did on the cross.  

Look at Romans 3:20, "Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin."  Observing the law doesn't save us anymore.  Paul keeps writing in Romans 3 saying, "But now a righteousness from God, apart from the law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify.  This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe."  And then he says something to really drive it home.  "There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  No difference.  Mother Teresa, you and I are on an equal playing field in God's eyes.

Noah, Daniel and Job would be just as screwed as the rest of us if they did not have faith.  God has the power and authority to do whatever He pleases.  He is a just God and sins have consequences, but the Bible says that He delights in showing mercy.  Psalm 103 says the He will not always treat us as our sins deserve.  The implications of this are expressed in most of the book of Romans.  Because of this freedom from sin, does it mean we can do whatever we want, to which Paul says, "By no means!"  Look up Romans 6: 15-23 for more on that issue.  

There is freedom in Christ.  God is not up in heaven with two hands on the rug, ready to pull it from under us.  A.W. Tozer says, "When we lift our inward eyes to gaze upon God we are sure to meet friendly eyes gazing back at us." 

Manna, I'm Broke

Don't bother trying to find Warren Buffett's email address.  I'll save you the time and energy--it aint listed.  Unfortunately, I know from experience.  Just when I thought I could get a financial foothold, I go to the dentist and find out that I need a root canal; to the tune of $940.  Then add another $900 for the crown.  I'm already broke, so with those kinds of expenses, you might understand why I'd gone hunting for Warren Buffett's generosity. 

When I got home from the dentist with the bad news I felt discouraged, overwhelmed and angry.  "Yeah, YOU'RE good, God, but I'm not."  There was not an ounce of joy in my life.  Thank the Lord that I was wise enough to realize it.  Living a joyless life sucks.  Why wouldn't it?  It's joy-less.  My beautiful girlfriend tried to speak truth to me about God's goodness and how He will provide somehow, if not money then peace but I wasn't hearing it.  "You're good God, thats awesome.  That doesn't help ME right now."  

I felt convicted (rightfully so) for barking at her and God, so through my teeth I got onto my knees and prayed.  I didn't even know what to say, so that's where I started.  "I don't know what to say God, I need you right now and I have a lot of doubts."  God spoke to me when I was being genuine--something that for whatever reason, I don't often do.  I pretend or dance around the heart of the matter.  This is a habit I intend to break.

But God spoke to me down in my room.  He reminded me of His track record with me.  I've been burdened in some very real ways, but I'd never been sunk.  He brought to mind the story of the Israelites and how He provided manna for them every morning, and there was always just enough.  He shined two spotlights in my mind--one on my idea of security and the other on the Israelites'.  

I picked up my Bible and flipped to Exodus 16.  Well, my first thought was to turn to Job but I thought that might be a little overdramatic.  So I started reading about how the Lord provided.  I used to gloss over the fact that they had to pick their food up off of the desert floor.  God didn't provide them with juicy, enormous burger pattys, bleu cheese crumbles, crispy little onion straws, secret sauce...I need to stop.  He gave them flakes of bread that they ground into little cakes.  In Exodus 16: 19, Moses says, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."  I can't keep my flakes?  Some of them didn't have enough faith that God would satisfy their hunger.  Perhaps they looked at the foggy future and reckoned that they'd be wise to take matters into their own hands.  That's what I do.  And Exodus 16: 20 says, "Some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning but it was full of maggots and began to smell."  

The part of this whole root canal situation that made me angry was because I have genuinely been trying to live on a budget, albeit shoe string.  I have envelopes that [are supposed to] hold car, phone, student loan, tithe, savings, misc money.  As of right now, 95% of my envelopes are empty.  It's enormously frustrating to me because, to my core, I just want to financially responsible.  But right now I'm not in a position to put money away.  I feel like God is teaching me to wait on Him to provided.  In the past I have always had just enough for a specific bill.  Just like the Israelites with manna.  "He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little."  God's funny like that.  I squeeked by paying for a $250 speeding ticket (thank you Wisconsin) and somehow it'll be the same for $1,800 worth of dental work.  

And saving is wise.  I don't think it is unimportant.  I dream for the day when I can save a little money but it just isn't my life right now and I need to accept that.  If and when I have some extra cash, it will be stewarded wisely.  But that is a big IF.

God can be trusted.  I say that in the midst of this situation that will be financially difficult.  GOD IS FAITHFUL.  I am hard-pressed but not crushed.  I can not wait to see what happens.  Getting recentered on God's firm foundation does wonders for my attitude.  It doesn't make me a christian robot, who walks around grinning ear to ear, picking up babies and overtly waving at people.  What it does is give me an inner confidence that, just as I mentioned above, I am not crushed.